Developing sexual feelings

Sometimes it can be difficult to think about your child having sexual feelings. You may have concerns about your child’s ability to:

• recognise these feelings
• express these feelings appropriately
• understand if someone reciprocates their feelings
• understand what it means to have a boyfriend or girlfriend

These concerns are normal and are shared by a lot of other parents. The good news is that with education, time and support many children with intellectual disability and/or autism spectrum disorder are able to understand their feelings of attraction and react appropriately. Some children take longer to develop romantic feelings than others. This is OK. It is still important to teach your child about these feelings so that they are prepared for when they do happen.

The first step in supporting your child to understand sexual feelings is helping them to understand what it feels like. You can talk to your child about the different things a person can feel when they are attracted to someone. For example you might explain to your child that when they have sexual feelings about someone they might:

• think about the person a lot
• want to be with the person a lot
• want to touch, hug or kiss the person
• have butterflies in their tummy
• feel hotter in their body
• have tingling in their private body parts. Males might get an erection, or females might get wet and slippery in their vagina. They might feel like masturbating

It is important to emphasise that it is normal to feel these things, but there are rules about what you can do when you have these feelings. Specifically:

• touching, hugging or kissing can only happen when both people consent. Both people have to say ‘yes’ Consent in Relationships.
• masturbation is a private behaviour and needs to be done in a private place

You may find it helpful to use a social story when explaining sexual feelings to your child. See the resource list below for some examples.

Once your child understands what it feels like to be attracted to someone it can be good to talk to them about how to tell if that person likes you back. Unfortunately, people aren’t always straightforward in expressing how they feel. It can be helpful to talk to your child about other ways they can tell if someone has feelings for you.

You can use pictures of how people might behave if they are attracted to someone. This could include people:

• leaning in to each other during conversation
• touching a person’s arm or shoulder
• laughing at each other’s jokes
• inviting a person to spend more time together

It is also important to explain to your child that just because someone is friendly doesn’t mean that they want to be their boyfriend or girlfriend. A good way to practice these skills is by watching a movie or TV show together. Ask your child if they think one character is attracted to another. Talk about why they think the characters might be attracted to each other or not. For more information go to Relationships topic page.

As unpleasant as it is, it is important to talk to your child about rejection. It is a part of life for everyone and your child needs to know that liking someone or having sexual feelings for someone doesn’t mean they will like you back. This might not feel very good but it is it is nobody’s fault. Sometimes people just don’t feel the same way. That is OK. Reassure your child that while it may hurt now, they will feel better soon.

The best way to support your child with rejection is to continue to build their confidence and self-esteem. It is easier to cope with rejection if you feel good about yourself.

For information on preparing your child for a relationship go to Relationships.